If you can imagine how it might feel to be strong, firm and healthy as well as kind, caring and compassionate – together – then you can be assertive. Assertiveness does not have to be tough, cold, hard-lined or distant. Assertiveness can be loving, caring, warm and generous. BUT FIRM. When you imagine how you wish your loved ones would speak to you in difficult times, you get a sense of how it feels. Sit, connect, listen, be respectful, be clear and say no when necessary. If you can imagine someone expressing their boundaries with calm kindness – then you can do it too.
The Assertiveness Spectrum
We all know the spectrum of behaviour from passive to assertive to aggressive, and most people know that assertiveness is the best option, in theory. But knowing HOW to be assertive in a way that feels warm and kind seems elusive. In passive communication your needs/wants/opinions/boundaries are not asserted at all, or are asserted indirectly, or with apology, qualification or guilt. It leaves you feeling imbalanced, angry or resentful over time. Aggressive is not helpful because needs/wants/opinions/boundaries are pushed onto others, are taken with entitlement, or without permission. This leaves everyone feeling imbalanced, disconnected, angry and sometimes scared.
Assertiveness Fears
But assertive communication can seem hard, and that’s pretty common. People can feel uncomfortable, and fraught with fears of getting it wrong when attempting to define themselves assertively. One of the limitations to fully stepping into assertiveness seems to be the fear of “losing empathy” with the other person. You might believe that once you take your own stance, you are no longer a friend. You may have a history of “soft boundaries” or “porous boundaries” which reinforce that fear. This differentiation can seem harsh or lonely, but this doesn’t have to be true! It is possible to take your own space and still feel connected to the other. It just takes practice. Identify your boundary style; understand your boundary comfort zone. That is a great first step toward gently shift more and more toward a healthy stance.
The Sandwich Method
Assertive communication techniques tell us to say, “I feel……… when you……” or “I need……. from you so that I can feel……”. These are valuable tools and do work. But sometimes these techniques feel stark and difficult and need to be “warmed up”. I like to use the “sandwich method” of feedback to “humanize” assertive communication. The “sandwich method” works by formulating your message like a sandwich: with a positive first (fluffy bun), then the main message (meat), then another positive statement (fluffy bun).
So it goes like this: “I know you’re tired when you get home and I appreciate the work you do. When you take your socks off and fling them on the floor I feel frustrated because it’s left to me to pick them up, and I’m tired too. If you could put them away, I would feel so much more supported – I would really appreciate it. I want us to always do things that are helpful for each other.” (smile). You can see the structure here and hopefully hear in your mind the kindness and compassion embedded in the strong message.
Keep the Connection
Another way you can soften the “technique-y” sound of assertive communication is to remember that the key to any relationship is connection. If you stay connected with the person you are communicating with, no matter what, you’ll feel warmer about them and the communication will reflect that. Treat them like a valued human. Hold them in regard while you tell your message.
Here’s what that might look like: “You’re my friend and I care about you (fluffy bun). Me saying nothing about your drinking is not helping you or me and I want us to both be healthy and safe. I can’t have you showing up here drunk anymore. I need you to go home now (meat). I’ll call you tomorrow and we can connect and talk things through. I’m sure we can work this through together (fluffy bun)”.
Here, you have offered the other person real connection – nothing is severed, no ultimatums, just a firm boundary and an intention to connect. It is possible! Imagine the effect on the friend or family member who hears this. You sound caring, connected and direct, as opposed to passive (saying nothing but seething inside – all bun, no meat) or aggressive (yelling, challenging, ridicule – indignant meat), or even a stark assertive (Karen – the meat without the bun). It doesn’t work!
Being your Best Self
Assertive communication is the easiest, cleanest way to define yourself. If you can define your own thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, ideas, creativity, or personality, apart from others, then you can determine your own strength, power, purpose, style, and meaning in life. Staying warm, accessible and connected within that power, validates you as a highly skilled and mature person. Then, you have the freedom and ability to choose WARMLY who to connect with, how much, how little, when and why. That is powerful emotional health in relationship.